“Over the years, I have come to realize that the greatest trap in our life is self-rejection. As soon as someone accuses me or criticizes me, as soon as I am rejected, left alone, or abandoned, I find myself thinking, ‘Well, that proves once again that I am a nobody.’ ... [My dark side says,] I am no good... I deserve to be pushed aside, forgotten, rejected, and abandoned. Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the ‘Beloved.’1 Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved
Self-rejection kept me stuck for years. I went around looking for confirmation that I was unlovable. And I always found it.
In school, when a teacher liked me I always got an A. But if I picked up the slightest indifference or thought they didn’t think much of me, I was at risk of failing.
I was constantly looking for my worth from others. And my “critics” voices were always louder. This led to many unskillful actions in my life with escape and addiction. Most notably with my pornography use.
In 2001, I started a process of renewal and discovered my spiritual life— my true connection with God and others. Being ‘beloved’ is now the true core of my existence.
I tell my inner critic often that, “I'm not perfect, but I am beloved and accepted.” And I believe it.
Nouwen's reference to “Beloved” comes from Mark 1:11, “And a voice came from the heavens, ‘You are my beloved Son; with you I am well pleased.’”